what is death like « Mustbelove’s Weblog

what is death like

30Dec08

not that i want todie early or anything.. which sucks because i once remember people who used to ask this question and then they would die. shudder. okay now i hear a weird ringing bell sound. sigh. i wish i could do something amazing, significant, like discover the cure for cancer, or find a lost island or something. i dont know why. then it would make my existence mean something. sure to God my existence is special, i have been called by him, to do his works etc… but i dont know about my faith. i guess that means i’m not a true believer, if i doubt.. right? i dont know anymore…… who i am, what principles i live by. most of the time it’s just do no harm, dont hurt anyone unnncessarily, and ugh dont kill anyone, that seems to be the basic natural law for everyone in the world. dont eat anyone, dont molest children, dont cheat, lie steal, unless you’re doing it for a nobler sense like protecting jews from nazis.. that’s what i always get. i guess i’m a bit of both. i have realized now, that i cannot call myself absolutely ANYTHING, because not even judas himself, or even jesus’ disciples could do that…not even saints could do that. would i call myself a saint? not even… so i wouldn’t be so proud to think i could abide by gods law all the time, or to think that i am immune to sin.. jesus expects me to fail, fall into temptation, suffer, he knows the weakness of my flesh.. so i guess thats how that works… i have always been very judgmental of people and i think this serves a two edged sword… i can also be very tolerant at the same time intolerant. i can be quite calculating at the same time very easy going and forgetful. i have learned not to label myself, and i guess you could say i am a chamelleon, constantly shifting and adapting to my environment to ensure my survival. i guess i take the whole lamb play dead route instead of the i’m an exotic looking frog or snake so don’t eat me because i might be poisonous. .. but i am not a fucking animal, i always tell myself that i’m not an animal, that i am a woman. whatever i am an animal. where was i? my belief system. i wonder if i was born in in alaska (why alaska? i dont know, a place where there are a lot of heathens i guess), adopted, among a family that was agnostic, how would i feel about all these other people believing in God? would i try to conform to the social norm and become a follower of God? i wonder how all these people started believing in God and in Jesus.. well they saw his miracles so that’sa how that happened. supposedly catholicism is the oldest religion. i should’ve taken a religion class.. i can’t believe somse people out there ‘believe’ that shit is sacred. haha. uhm, ok. I also wonder about death…. ive been thinking a lot about myself.. how i really am. i am developing of an awareness of what i like, of what really matters, of what needs to be done in this world to make it meaningful… why dont i like hurting eople to seek my own ends? why do i constantly feel unhappy all the time? is it because i perceive my friends to have more fun than me? is the media telling me that i need things to be happy? can be people be happy being still, quiet, and thoughtful? why do people need to be constantly running around, doing things just to be content?