so i know that i got at least 7 wrong… the 80% question, the pale question, the decreased wheezing question, the last multiple question, the fire candle, the prostaglandin question.. damn thats a lot of questions wrong and i fucking havent even seen the rest of the exam yet……….

why is it that i cant digest this material? is there something wrong with me or am i in the wrong place? THE fact that i feel entitled to A’s and being the best all the time is irritating in itself. i expect As Bs. i expect to WHIZ by because its fucking NURSING SCHOOl. i didnt expect 30-40plus hours a week studying just to pull CsDsandFs!!!!!!!!!!! i didnt expect that shit. i didnt expect to be worrying about two pts and three pts to see if i was passing or failing or not. it makes every part of my life left to be examined. it makes me trivial, easily irritated, and fucking isolated. it makes me competitive with my peers even though i want to be nice and be friends with them. it makes me hard, lonely, depressed, and fucking angry. thank you NURSING SCHOOL FOR making my life hell.

i knew taking the test that i was already in deep shit.  i knew i crammed…… but at least i tried my best.. which sucks. which sucks to the school and national average of humans intellect. IF ONLY i looked at my nclex book..IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY.. if only i were perfect and i didnt hive. if only i didnt want to snack every five seconds. if only i didnt have chest pain and didnt stress out. if only i could make As Bs like EVERYONE ELSE IN MY CLASS at least ONCE.

you know what my life feels like?

that moment in …that movie with demi moore, and she places a bet, and at the least possible moment she thinks she’s WON, she loses EVERYTHING. the face of surprise, horror,suspension. the fact that u knwo that u’ve lost everything u’ve worked so hard to put together. the meonet u find out that you’re just a pawn of God in his WILL and ur life seems insigificant and u really ahve no control at all.

the moment ur pride falls.

goes to show u how mcuh i DIDNT study. it wasnt humanely possible for me to get an A on this test, or a B on this test for that matter. first, i had my stupid power point presentation. next, i was hiving the fuck up on saturday and sunday. i lost my grandmas anniversary, but i didnt expect that luxury anyway.

i went through PMS and shit.. yes, I am a huge egocentric bastard i cannot admit defeat. fine, u want defeat. i will say i am defeated. i fucking lost this exam. i got a D/C probably… and then i’ll be all pouty and everyone around me will be happy that i failed. at least i served the purpose of my peers being happy, at the expense of what? my pride shot, my family more pissed at me, and then more stress for my body.

physically i want to dettach but then i have to take responsibility and that requires guilt etc shame… learned experiences….. wow the goernment is smart. i think its successful at making the human population self destruct by putting kids into school that are inhuanely possible to pass

i’m tired of losing. can i just pass this fucking test? gods energy has left me because i masturbated yesterday and i gave into the whole SLOTH temptation.. even though i was righteously tired…………. plus the gluttony. i dont know what God expects from his creatures, PERFECTION? what the fucking shit. if people were perfect, there would be no sin, if there was no SIN, there would be no use for GOD. so god has to test us everyday, which i think fucking mean, because we have to jump through hoops everyday just to PROVE OUR faith because fucking EVE was stupid enough to eat that apple. UGH. i feel like im in a rat race.

u know i kind of wanted to be a monk.. leave this stupid competitive life out. become italian. and tell the rest of the world to get LOST.